Bad teeth equal good times.

88 cents bought us entertainment for an entire weekend once.

It all started during a beer run when we were in the Dells Wisconsin not too long ago. You see, we were heartbroken after being denied at the movie theater, so we decided to pick up some drinky, some snacks and a board game. We found a Wal-Mart Super Center about 35 miles away.

We learned from the brilliant advertising all around the beer coolers that NO ALCOHOL CAN BE SOLD AFTER 9 PM… ONLY BEER. I love the Dairyland and it’s delicious priorities! Anyway, we decided to pick up some beer, some cups, Apples to Apples and a 4 pack of novelty teeth.

We could not wait to tear into those babies and immediately put them in. Beaner chose who should get which pair using a scientific process based on mouth size. For some reason, she decided I should have the largest pair.

Queenie put hers to good use right away.

JMan's teeth made him go cross-eyed.



Then, since we weren’t absurd and geeky enough and because we were polishing off the last of the beer, we decided to pretend that we smoked. We thought the brand name of the candy cigarettes was appropriate.

I know what you’re thinking, “Pretend smoking and pretend bad teeth? Crazy bastards!”

The only bad thing was the chocolate of the cigarettes melted and it looked like our “cool accessories” fell into dog shit. Good times.



The rest of the weekend saw beautiful shots like these...

Out of all of us tho'...Beaner totally got into the teeth!

Dells Wisconsin: The Off-Season (part 2)

3 chicks and a guy went out Saturday morning for a stroll down the streets of Dells Wisconsin. It was the off-season and where there should be areas in which to squash your flip-flops, there were instead scenes like this…

The travelers didn’t care. They were out for adventures. Oh the adventures!!!

First, they happened upon a funeral…


Apparently a fairy died and her porcelain family and friends gathered in a candy store to pay their respects and listen to "Amazing Grace" on a mini boom box.


After purchasing some candy paying their respects, the travelers continued their journey meandering through little shops chock full of things like wind chimes made from forks, T-shirts displaying “My pals went to WI. Dells and all I got was this stinking t-shirt!” and ancient Native American artifacts like pink, plastic tom-toms.

One place was guarded by a giant troll who entertained the journeymen with a chorus of “You are my Sunshine”.


Beaner bravely told him he had nice pants. It made him smile.


Then he went to sleep.


Peppered among the stores hawking their wares were attractions like wax museums and haunted houses. A particularly sinister place was guarded by this guy…

The travelers wondered how they captured the likeness of their uncle, BigC, so well.

When this sign was spotted by Stuff, she stopped dead in her tracks. She was drawn in by the possibilities and the dreams that her most intimate questions could finally be addressed.


She couldn’t get her dollar in fast enough.


She silently asked this mad scientist her question gazing into his adorable, wisdom-filled face.


She waited for him to answer….


He cackled maniacally and thought hard as his little body shook and his hands made motions on the dials making lights flash all through his little glass laboratory. Buzzing, clicking, and static electricity all added to the show.

When he gave her a dollars worth of time, he paused and said, “The only thing that I can tell you… the answer you seek…the magical word that will solve your dilemma is…

...perhaps”

Perhaps? Only then did she see this:



Beaner was much luckier in her quest for knowledge. By lucky, I mean she got a cool slip of paper for her dollar.

Zoltar caught her fancy with his delicious gold lame´ head scarf.

It didn’t hurt that he also had sconces closely resembling ones in her Grandma and Grandma’s bedroom circa 1985.


The other travelers waited as she and Zoltar looked deep into each other’s eyes so that the most accurate fortune could be told.


“Thank you Zoltar. I shall name my first born after you as promised. Also, the sacrificial goat will arrive in 7 to 10 business days.”



In other shops they busied themselves with silly hats and pictures seen here.

JMan had his heart set on this one.


The other travelers did their best to convince him that while a career in the Over-The-Road-Arts is a lucrative one, this was not the best look for him.

Neither was this:


Around this time the travelers needed a much needed break and some much needed caffeine. They decided to give some business to some cranky crotchety colorful older ladies.


“Iced” was not the best choice for Queenie. She got a little bit chilly.


She then re-created her look for her audition for the next Harry Potter movie (yeah Q, I know only 80 more days).


With their jolt of caffeine-induced energy they decided to partake in the River Walk.


By partake I mean they walked about 200 feet then decided it was too flippin cold to continue.


And besides, the damned paparazzi were following them.




Then, the lovebirds pretended they were in a silent movie.





The last destination for adventure was a magical land where candy grew on trees.


In one area the tourists the adventuresome travelers learned how unrefined cola made its way through gingerbread houses all the way to the factory.


They also beheld sticky, Technicolor goodness…


All in all the journey through the Dell's Downtown in the off-season was an enjoyable one. They each walked away with some fond memories, a quirky trinket or two and the best lesson of all…

Even if you don't always feel it, you can certainly buy it.

Now, isn’t that special!


Note…thanks Q for most of the photography and the Photoshopping magic you donated to this post. Also, JMan and Beaner, thanks for being so photogenic.

Dells Wisconsin: the off-season (part 1)

When my sibs and I came up with the idea to plop our behinds smack in the middle of the tourist trap of Wisconsin, we didn't really have an agenda.

All we knew for sure was:

-super scary movie on Friday the 13th
-cheesy tourist pictures
-bickering about something
-snoring, passing gas(um, hi JMan...welcome to the family)
-mass quantities of wine would make an appearance

Our first plan, super scary movie on Friday the 13th - Disturbia, went like this:

After some amazing sleuthing by the JMan and Beaner we conclude the only theatre in the area is actually 10 minutes away from our hotel. Queenie and I had just arrived, so we needed to change out of our travel clothes throw a sweatshirt on and refresh the pit spray. This bit of primping made us just the right amount of late.

Ticket Guy: I am sorry you had to wait in the long line because we are the only theatre in the entire Dell’s area and it is the off-season and I am only 1 of 2 ticket guys, but you are actually too late to get seats that are next to each other. Also, this is a giant screen with stadium seating and the only seats are the ones that you need to be nearly reclined. Oh yeah, did I mention your nose may bleed and your eyeballs may dry out from the proximity of the giant screen?

ME: Guys, would you prefer taking the chance we may end up sitting next to the assholes behind us that have some issues with their bodily functions which was made apparent the whole freakin’ time we were in line…or, would you like to come back tomorrow?

Guys: Let’s wait until tomorrow. Let’s go drink.

Forward to Saturday evening…

Ticket Guy: I am sorry you had to wait in the long line because we are the only theatre in the entire Dell’s area and it is the off-season and I am only 1 of 1 ticket guys, but I cannot sell you tickets to the movie because the projector broke. Our manager, Skinny-Too-Young-To-Be-In-Charge, is busy fixing it and you can step to the side to wait with these other folks that are naïve enough to believe they may actually get to see the movie today.

ME: You have got to be kidding me.

Guys: You have got to be kidding me.

Other naïve people stepped to the side: You have got to be kidding me.

Other people in line behind us: One ticket to ANYTHING but Disturbia.

After 20 minutes of seeing joyful ticket toting patrons making their way to the popcorn, we see Skinny-Too-Young-To-Be-In-Charge. She makes her way to the lone ticket taker.

ME: Can we get our tickets to Disturbia now?

Other people in line behind us: well they really didn’t say anything, but I could feel them forming a lynch mob to burn me at the stake for budging in line.

S-T-Y-B-I-C: The movie actually started about ten minutes ago.


ME: Um, what?

S-T-Y-B-I-C: I had to rewind the whole big film all by my widdle self...sniff...it was bery scawy and I couldn’t tell the lone ticket guy that he could sell tickets...sniff...cuz I would have had to make a big girl decision and use the walkee talkee thing. I did my bery bery best.

ME: Oh Hell no.

Guys: Oh Hell no.
See if this theatre ever gets my business again.
Watch us leave in a huff… you’ll be sorry!

So, no Disturbia.

We did spend Saturday trolling the shops for some trinkets. Since none of us were in the market for ashtrays made of seashells or a tomahawk, we made do trying on some hats:

Beaner enjoyed this red and white number. She was feeling her school pride...

"three cheers for WEGA and the RED and WHITE... HOO RAH RAH... Y-O-WEGA...HOO RAH RAH"

Meanwhile, the JMan sported this little number...

"What have I gotten myself into? These chicks are crazy."

Queenie loved her lampshade/retirement-at-golf-course hat...

"This one time at BINGO... I was so wasted!"

Pretending to be above all this...

"Thanks Q for photoshopping my 'stache"

Don't worry blog fans family, I have a whole lotta adventures and pictures yet to come from that crazy weekend... Oh, Stuff you tease.